this week cuddling Miss M. She's so amazing. She fills up my heart, and hearing her laughter is the biggest blessing in my day. I really do adore this girl ~ she's 14, with a wicked sense of humor and a love of Sheryl Crow, Jason Mraz, Metallica (yes, still!), and Queen. She hates Alanis Morrisette with a purple passion. Actually, she will love almost any song if Mama sings along with it, despite my lack of skills when singing the Dixie Chicks or Linda Ronstadt. I played Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" earlier this afternoon and she went absolutely wild.
(An aside: I love my iPod, and must remember to thank my sister again for the iTunes gift card she put in my stocking...I saved it until yesterday, when I read an email offering all decades of the top 25 love songs for only sixty-nine cents each. It amuses me that the tunes were sixty-nine cents each in honor of Valentine's Day. Poetic pricing, eh? LOL)
She's a confirmed American Idol watcher, for the first time. We couldn't watch when Simon was on it ~ his vitriol made me incredibly uncomfortable. Steven Tyler is still hot, and I love J Lo, so I am enjoying this immensely, especially since M and I are watching together. :)
Being at home due to Icepocalypse 2011!!1111one!1! is making it hard for me to feel connected and nourished. I crave my time at work, for the varied and interesting duties I perform but mostly for the relationships I am building there. I feel so positive when I'm doing my job that not having that constant smile on makes me feel a mite dull. Maddy is a great companion, but she's not a very good conversationalist. I get tired of my own voice!
Which means that blogging? Is redundant. Especially since I don't feel comfortable talking about the one new thing going on in my life right now. I don't have any idea who is reading or what they'll share with whom. That keeps me from talking about any number of things, of course, including some of my rage and pain (yes, I still battle it from time to time) but really? That simple fact makes it almost impossible to write about dating, new relationships, sex and the newly-single woman.... It makes me question whether I should leave this blog open or close it down and move again. *sigh*
More later. Gotta change a poopy diaper. :)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What a weekend...
He moved this week. From an "extended stay motel" into a 1 BR apartment about 7 minutes from me and Miss M.
(one of) His girlfriend(s) flew down from Far-Away-State to help him move in and get settled. I gave up one of my four nights "free" per month so he could move. He picked Miss M up yesterday morning (late, of course, and I had to hustle to work) and then texted me in the middle of the work-day, letting me know how desperately ill he was. I think he wanted me to come and get her. Unfortunately, I had to work all day yesterday, had plans for last evening, and have to work today, so I said no to him.
I'm learning. How to say no ~ how to distance myself from him and his lies and the pain that he dredges up in my heart.
After work, my high school friend picked me up and we attended a roller skating reunion for all-'80's classes at the local rink. It was absolutely hilarious ~ I had trouble balancing on my skates at first, but found that fulcrum eventually. My skating ended when I was dancing along and had a spectacular wipe out. No major damage ~ just a sore left arm and wounded pride. Fortunately, I wasn't the only old-timer falling out there, and even more fortunately, I didn't seriously injure myself! I think I might have been the youngest person in attendance (save a few of the old-timer's kids, of course) ~ and I reconnected with a couple of people from classes ahead of me that I haven't seen in over 25 years, so it was definitely worth it to go.
After skating, PA and I stopped at the local taco shop to pick up dinner (yummmm...white queso made with goat cheese and cilantro!) and the liquor store for wine and beer, then headed back to my house. On the way, I got a desperate call from his GF, asking that I stop and pick up meds for him at the drugstore and bring them over. She actually had the gall to call me "the babymama". Whatever! I'm definitely Miss M's mama, and I relish that title, but a "babymama"? No. I am still married to him...if you have to call me something other than my first name, you can call me his ex, or M's mom, or Ms. Lastname ~ but babymama? I took it as the insult I perceive it to be.
Of course, we happened to be passing the local drugstore, so I stopped in and picked up the medication. PA drove me over to his new place (cute...rather large for a 1 BR...and not in a bad neighborhood at all) and I delivered the meds. Kissed my baby girl. Hugged the neck of the woman who called me that insulting label. Advised him to go to Urgent Care if he wasn't significantly better today (he has asthma and he was already out of breath...). Told him and Miss M that I'd see them after work tonight...and I left.
I am trying really hard to walk the fine line of honor. To do the right things for my child, while honoring the person I am becoming. PA gave me the ultimate compliment last night ~ she said that she loves the compassion and the caring I have for others, and that I am a truly good person. Made me feel warm and fuzzy to hear that...that's who I want to be ~ a good person who does good things. To make my corner of the world a safer, brighter, happier place. To laugh a lot. To love everyone and help them when I can. To let my inner Goddess shine in the world, illuminating the darkness like a beacon. I truly believe that if I shine light out there, the people that respond to that light will be the people I need in my life at each moment, at each year, and for the rest of my life.
I am pragmatic, no doubt about it. (Neither an optimist nor a pessimist, I call myself a realist.) I've been hurt, badly, by the events of my life (and not just the recent events, either...) but I am still standing. I am still laughing. I am still dancing, even though I sometimes fall down. This is such a grand adventure...I'm so glad I'm alive to see it all, experience it all, and share a little of my joy with those I come into contact with...even those that still choose to try and hurt me. (Why make that choice? Why not choose otherwise? It costs you nothing to be kind....)
It's going to be a glorious week.
(one of) His girlfriend(s) flew down from Far-Away-State to help him move in and get settled. I gave up one of my four nights "free" per month so he could move. He picked Miss M up yesterday morning (late, of course, and I had to hustle to work) and then texted me in the middle of the work-day, letting me know how desperately ill he was. I think he wanted me to come and get her. Unfortunately, I had to work all day yesterday, had plans for last evening, and have to work today, so I said no to him.
I'm learning. How to say no ~ how to distance myself from him and his lies and the pain that he dredges up in my heart.
After work, my high school friend picked me up and we attended a roller skating reunion for all-'80's classes at the local rink. It was absolutely hilarious ~ I had trouble balancing on my skates at first, but found that fulcrum eventually. My skating ended when I was dancing along and had a spectacular wipe out. No major damage ~ just a sore left arm and wounded pride. Fortunately, I wasn't the only old-timer falling out there, and even more fortunately, I didn't seriously injure myself! I think I might have been the youngest person in attendance (save a few of the old-timer's kids, of course) ~ and I reconnected with a couple of people from classes ahead of me that I haven't seen in over 25 years, so it was definitely worth it to go.
After skating, PA and I stopped at the local taco shop to pick up dinner (yummmm...white queso made with goat cheese and cilantro!) and the liquor store for wine and beer, then headed back to my house. On the way, I got a desperate call from his GF, asking that I stop and pick up meds for him at the drugstore and bring them over. She actually had the gall to call me "the babymama". Whatever! I'm definitely Miss M's mama, and I relish that title, but a "babymama"? No. I am still married to him...if you have to call me something other than my first name, you can call me his ex, or M's mom, or Ms. Lastname ~ but babymama? I took it as the insult I perceive it to be.
Of course, we happened to be passing the local drugstore, so I stopped in and picked up the medication. PA drove me over to his new place (cute...rather large for a 1 BR...and not in a bad neighborhood at all) and I delivered the meds. Kissed my baby girl. Hugged the neck of the woman who called me that insulting label. Advised him to go to Urgent Care if he wasn't significantly better today (he has asthma and he was already out of breath...). Told him and Miss M that I'd see them after work tonight...and I left.
I am trying really hard to walk the fine line of honor. To do the right things for my child, while honoring the person I am becoming. PA gave me the ultimate compliment last night ~ she said that she loves the compassion and the caring I have for others, and that I am a truly good person. Made me feel warm and fuzzy to hear that...that's who I want to be ~ a good person who does good things. To make my corner of the world a safer, brighter, happier place. To laugh a lot. To love everyone and help them when I can. To let my inner Goddess shine in the world, illuminating the darkness like a beacon. I truly believe that if I shine light out there, the people that respond to that light will be the people I need in my life at each moment, at each year, and for the rest of my life.
I am pragmatic, no doubt about it. (Neither an optimist nor a pessimist, I call myself a realist.) I've been hurt, badly, by the events of my life (and not just the recent events, either...) but I am still standing. I am still laughing. I am still dancing, even though I sometimes fall down. This is such a grand adventure...I'm so glad I'm alive to see it all, experience it all, and share a little of my joy with those I come into contact with...even those that still choose to try and hurt me. (Why make that choice? Why not choose otherwise? It costs you nothing to be kind....)
It's going to be a glorious week.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I've come a long way.
I abandoned this blog. I felt too exposed here, even though this is nothing but an online journal that I thought literally no one read. I was wrong. Someone took it upon him- or herself and shared the link with someone else, and the whole thing blew up yesterday. It isn't my story to tell, so I won't.
What I will do is write a little update on me and The Divine Miss M. (She is Divine, you know ~ she's communicating sooo well now. All you have to do is watch her subtle expressions and talk to her - she'll respond every.single.time.)
We got moved. We made it through the Holidaze. It was anything but easy. I've been out (on dates) with several people, had an excellent (if decadent!) New Year's Eve weekend, and during the course of the month of December, I had over a dozen people inside my house at various times. It was awesome. Given where I was physically in January 2010, this is amazing.
I'm almost done with the office unpacking. The rest of the house is functional and we love it here. The front porch is gorgeous and we love the back deck ~ we will really love it this summer. My mom's giving me her gas grill and I foresee many days of sitting out on the deck under an umbrella (we'll find one!), grilling and drinking cold beverages. I'm looking forward to Spring.
Miss M's room is gorgeous ~ butterflies and pink and purple (she picked the colors, of course) with a new daybed. My room is my refuge and it's gorgeous ~ all mauve and white and my favorite room in the house.
I'm currently enthralled with the concept of light ~ I think because I walked out of his metaphorical closet and into the light. But even before that, I quite literally walked out of a dark bedroom and a dark, miserable, pain-filled life. I need to remember what part of that healing equation came first: the relief of the actual, physical pain. How light and energized I felt when the pain stopped. How very grateful to be alive I was (and had forgotten!) ~ after all those drugs, all those doctors, all the crazy interventions. I survived. This emotional pain that I have now? It will be healed, too.
It just requires light and love.
More than anything, I feel like God is telling me to open the curtains, let the light in and live out loud. I want to embrace my life ~ to live in it every minute. I want to dance ~ and I often do ~ like no one is watching. I want to be honest and true to myself and everyone I meet. Sometimes, though? I can't. I'm still human & I've been hurt.
Yesterday, I realized just how close to that metaphorical closet I still am. I didn't walk out of it and powerfully slam the door behind me. No. I couldn't. I crept out on hands and knees, stiff and sore from being curled in the fetal position under a stack of closet detritus for the last decade. Even worse, I left the door ajar so I could reach back inside and stroke the lovely darkness that was my emotional life for so long: the knits and the silks and suede and lace and wool and leather of the fear and self-loathing and loving and needing and resentment and disappointment and even capital F Fear and wanting-so-badly-not-to-fail-DAMMIT .
I need to close that door.
I don't live there. He is no longer my responsibility. I no longer need lie or cover for him. I no longer need understand him or any potential reason for his behavior. Yesterday, even though it will be months yet before I am divorced in the physical world, I divorced him in my mind and my heart. We are now eternally divided. The only intersection we have is Miss M. That's it. (Simply the most important person in my life, world without end, Amen.)
I think I know how to close that door.
Firmly. With the windows open and my heart open and my mind open to the possibilities outside the door.
In the Light, because it's wrapped around the love. Soul-searing, testifying, angel-choiring, mind-blowing, dancing and laughing Light ~ and love.
What I will do is write a little update on me and The Divine Miss M. (She is Divine, you know ~ she's communicating sooo well now. All you have to do is watch her subtle expressions and talk to her - she'll respond every.single.time.)
We got moved. We made it through the Holidaze. It was anything but easy. I've been out (on dates) with several people, had an excellent (if decadent!) New Year's Eve weekend, and during the course of the month of December, I had over a dozen people inside my house at various times. It was awesome. Given where I was physically in January 2010, this is amazing.
I'm almost done with the office unpacking. The rest of the house is functional and we love it here. The front porch is gorgeous and we love the back deck ~ we will really love it this summer. My mom's giving me her gas grill and I foresee many days of sitting out on the deck under an umbrella (we'll find one!), grilling and drinking cold beverages. I'm looking forward to Spring.
Miss M's room is gorgeous ~ butterflies and pink and purple (she picked the colors, of course) with a new daybed. My room is my refuge and it's gorgeous ~ all mauve and white and my favorite room in the house.
I'm currently enthralled with the concept of light ~ I think because I walked out of his metaphorical closet and into the light. But even before that, I quite literally walked out of a dark bedroom and a dark, miserable, pain-filled life. I need to remember what part of that healing equation came first: the relief of the actual, physical pain. How light and energized I felt when the pain stopped. How very grateful to be alive I was (and had forgotten!) ~ after all those drugs, all those doctors, all the crazy interventions. I survived. This emotional pain that I have now? It will be healed, too.
It just requires light and love.
More than anything, I feel like God is telling me to open the curtains, let the light in and live out loud. I want to embrace my life ~ to live in it every minute. I want to dance ~ and I often do ~ like no one is watching. I want to be honest and true to myself and everyone I meet. Sometimes, though? I can't. I'm still human & I've been hurt.
Yesterday, I realized just how close to that metaphorical closet I still am. I didn't walk out of it and powerfully slam the door behind me. No. I couldn't. I crept out on hands and knees, stiff and sore from being curled in the fetal position under a stack of closet detritus for the last decade. Even worse, I left the door ajar so I could reach back inside and stroke the lovely darkness that was my emotional life for so long: the knits and the silks and suede and lace and wool and leather of the fear and self-loathing and loving and needing and resentment and disappointment and even capital F Fear and wanting-so-badly-not-to-fail-DAMMIT .
I need to close that door.
I don't live there. He is no longer my responsibility. I no longer need lie or cover for him. I no longer need understand him or any potential reason for his behavior. Yesterday, even though it will be months yet before I am divorced in the physical world, I divorced him in my mind and my heart. We are now eternally divided. The only intersection we have is Miss M. That's it. (Simply the most important person in my life, world without end, Amen.)
I think I know how to close that door.
Firmly. With the windows open and my heart open and my mind open to the possibilities outside the door.
In the Light, because it's wrapped around the love. Soul-searing, testifying, angel-choiring, mind-blowing, dancing and laughing Light ~ and love.
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