He moved this week. From an "extended stay motel" into a 1 BR apartment about 7 minutes from me and Miss M.
(one of) His girlfriend(s) flew down from Far-Away-State to help him move in and get settled. I gave up one of my four nights "free" per month so he could move. He picked Miss M up yesterday morning (late, of course, and I had to hustle to work) and then texted me in the middle of the work-day, letting me know how desperately ill he was. I think he wanted me to come and get her. Unfortunately, I had to work all day yesterday, had plans for last evening, and have to work today, so I said no to him.
I'm learning. How to say no ~ how to distance myself from him and his lies and the pain that he dredges up in my heart.
After work, my high school friend picked me up and we attended a roller skating reunion for all-'80's classes at the local rink. It was absolutely hilarious ~ I had trouble balancing on my skates at first, but found that fulcrum eventually. My skating ended when I was dancing along and had a spectacular wipe out. No major damage ~ just a sore left arm and wounded pride. Fortunately, I wasn't the only old-timer falling out there, and even more fortunately, I didn't seriously injure myself! I think I might have been the youngest person in attendance (save a few of the old-timer's kids, of course) ~ and I reconnected with a couple of people from classes ahead of me that I haven't seen in over 25 years, so it was definitely worth it to go.
After skating, PA and I stopped at the local taco shop to pick up dinner (yummmm...white queso made with goat cheese and cilantro!) and the liquor store for wine and beer, then headed back to my house. On the way, I got a desperate call from his GF, asking that I stop and pick up meds for him at the drugstore and bring them over. She actually had the gall to call me "the babymama". Whatever! I'm definitely Miss M's mama, and I relish that title, but a "babymama"? No. I am still married to him...if you have to call me something other than my first name, you can call me his ex, or M's mom, or Ms. Lastname ~ but babymama? I took it as the insult I perceive it to be.
Of course, we happened to be passing the local drugstore, so I stopped in and picked up the medication. PA drove me over to his new place (cute...rather large for a 1 BR...and not in a bad neighborhood at all) and I delivered the meds. Kissed my baby girl. Hugged the neck of the woman who called me that insulting label. Advised him to go to Urgent Care if he wasn't significantly better today (he has asthma and he was already out of breath...). Told him and Miss M that I'd see them after work tonight...and I left.
I am trying really hard to walk the fine line of honor. To do the right things for my child, while honoring the person I am becoming. PA gave me the ultimate compliment last night ~ she said that she loves the compassion and the caring I have for others, and that I am a truly good person. Made me feel warm and fuzzy to hear that...that's who I want to be ~ a good person who does good things. To make my corner of the world a safer, brighter, happier place. To laugh a lot. To love everyone and help them when I can. To let my inner Goddess shine in the world, illuminating the darkness like a beacon. I truly believe that if I shine light out there, the people that respond to that light will be the people I need in my life at each moment, at each year, and for the rest of my life.
I am pragmatic, no doubt about it. (Neither an optimist nor a pessimist, I call myself a realist.) I've been hurt, badly, by the events of my life (and not just the recent events, either...) but I am still standing. I am still laughing. I am still dancing, even though I sometimes fall down. This is such a grand adventure...I'm so glad I'm alive to see it all, experience it all, and share a little of my joy with those I come into contact with...even those that still choose to try and hurt me. (Why make that choice? Why not choose otherwise? It costs you nothing to be kind....)
It's going to be a glorious week.
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