Week before last, I found the sweetest little dollhouse of a home for The Divine Miss M. Next Saturday, I'll be moving us into it (always looking for cheap help! LOL) It's so cute ~ small, but with pretty hardwood floors and a front porch & back deck. This weekend has been spent packing. The next 5 days will be spent packing. Please Lord, don't let my back or my hands quit working! Packing: DO NOT WANT!
I started attending a chat for wives of gay men a few weeks ago. B and M host it, and it is amazing to go there. We named ourselves last Sunday: The Straight Wives Club. In many ways, I feel like I'm way ahead of the curve on processing the changes in my life because I spent so long knowing that my GH (gay husband) is (at least) bisexual. I grieved for the loss of my perfect life and the man I thought I married over 9 years ago. We stuck it out for many reasons. If I had it to do over I think I'd choose differently. Living in the dark sucks. Being around someone who doesn't like you much sucks. He doesn't particularly care for me, I don't think, and I don't know why. I'm mostly nice and funny and not really ugly or anything.... Oh wait ~ I know what it is! I refused to stick around for his lies any longer! It blew his cover! Duh! No wonder he doesn't like me much. I finally stood up for myself and said that I'd had enough of being lied to and manipulated by him. Oh well. His loss, right? Right! M and I will be fine together, and if he's around to help out with her, yay...but if he isn't, we'll figure out a way to make that work, too.
I'm really rather concerned about him. He had taken precisely one step - checking out extended stay motels - to secure a place for himself where he can have visitation with M. He loves her desperately ~ you can see it in his eyes ~ but he's eaten up with guilt and shame over what he's done to her. He doesn't miss me, but he misses her. I totally understand. I don't miss him at all. After talking with him for awhile (and yes, dammit, I cried) I convinced him to at least check out some apartment prices. After considering for a bit, he signed up with an apartment locator and seemed a little more excited about life in general, and moving specifically. He even said he wants to move close-ish to us so he can see her more often. Sounds wonderful to me. We'll see what happens in a month.
As usual, he's almost completely withdrawn into work and...well, who knows. I never knew what he was doing when we lived together, what makes me think I'll know now that he's out of my home? I do know that whatever it is, it isn't making him very happy. I told him that all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy ~ I'll love him 'til I die (because that's how I'm built ~ once you're in my heart, you always own that piece of it, no matter what) but we can't live together. I'm starting my new life, and he needs to get on with his. He left a few hours later. I hope he finds some peace. I know I am finding it for myself, and it is a top-5 feeling.
Gotta get back to my tape gun and boxes. Miles to pack before I sleep.
Catch you on the flip side, Diary.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Strangely happy
I find myself enjoying our new life.
I don't know why I'm surprised by this, but I am. The tension in the house is gone. When he walked out, it went with him. Honestly, I had no idea it was such a part of my life until it was gone. Miss M (my daughter) knew. She didn't sleep when he lived here. At least once a week, and usually more than that, she would stay up all night long. I called those times "bed parties", but in reality they were more like marathon nightmares for me. When she doesn't sleep, neither do I. I've been walking around for years sleep deprived! I don't know how to behave now that I get five (!!) uninterrupted hours of sleep every night.
It's also nice to be able to eat when I want. Not to have to wonder when/if he's coming home. Not to have to clean up after him in the bathroom (tiny little facial hairs everywhere) or in the den (there's that coffee mug again). To know that I am solely responsible for making sure that the child is well cared for and that the bills are paid on time. To know that I won't have to listen to him berate the dog for being a dog.
I do get lonely sometimes. Fortunately, I have good friends and they call me or text me. They take me to lunch, give me leads on apartments, give me hugs.... I don't know what I would do without them.
I'm also rediscovering my lost faith in God. Strange, but it seems that my STBX's agnosticism was, in fact, rubbing off on me. I started really praying again ~ prayers of thanksgiving, prayers for guidance and strength through this disaster, prayers for Miss M's understanding, prayers for peace. I've been praying for those things for years, but it actually feels like there is Someone Up There listening now.
Life is falling into place. I have a good lead on a small frame house that is wheelchair ready and in my limited budget. I met an attorney today who specializes in Special Needs law. She will give me a referral to an attorney that handles divorce. He has an appointment on Tuesday with an attorney, to get the ball rolling towards that divorce. I fear it may take months to get to the point of dissolution, but at least we're starting the process.
He came today and spent time with Miss M. She was glad to see him, and fine when he left. She fell asleep in my arms this evening. Tomorrow is likely to be a more difficult day ~ it was last Sunday ~ since she is used to spending most of that day with him, watching sports while I clean the house and do clothing care.
In general, I am happier right now than I've been in years. Strange, isn't it? Even though my anxiety levels are high (no certainty in living arrangements, no child support order, car acting up, nursing troubles for Miss M, all the upcoming changes and how to get them all accomplished in a short time frame) my soul still feels a pervasive calm. I feel like a glass lake ~ I can take it all in with nary a ripple on the surface. My friends make me laugh. Miss M makes me laugh. I haven't cried in 2 weeks now. Where is the pain? I'm used to it as a constant companion, and it's just gone. No complaints, but it is odd.
I was broken, but I'm piecing myself back together. I'm lonely, but I'm open to the possibilities. I'm full of words and Very Big Thoughts. I'm revising my goals. I'm not working the status quo ~ I'm creating a new life. It's really exciting and it makes me extraordinarily happy. I wish I'd done this years ago.
There's so much light outside the closet ~ it scared me at first, to be in the sun. Now I'm opening my arms and my heart to the warm rays of light that are streaming over me. My heart is light and my life is getting better every day.
Thank you, God.
I don't know why I'm surprised by this, but I am. The tension in the house is gone. When he walked out, it went with him. Honestly, I had no idea it was such a part of my life until it was gone. Miss M (my daughter) knew. She didn't sleep when he lived here. At least once a week, and usually more than that, she would stay up all night long. I called those times "bed parties", but in reality they were more like marathon nightmares for me. When she doesn't sleep, neither do I. I've been walking around for years sleep deprived! I don't know how to behave now that I get five (!!) uninterrupted hours of sleep every night.
It's also nice to be able to eat when I want. Not to have to wonder when/if he's coming home. Not to have to clean up after him in the bathroom (tiny little facial hairs everywhere) or in the den (there's that coffee mug again). To know that I am solely responsible for making sure that the child is well cared for and that the bills are paid on time. To know that I won't have to listen to him berate the dog for being a dog.
I do get lonely sometimes. Fortunately, I have good friends and they call me or text me. They take me to lunch, give me leads on apartments, give me hugs.... I don't know what I would do without them.
I'm also rediscovering my lost faith in God. Strange, but it seems that my STBX's agnosticism was, in fact, rubbing off on me. I started really praying again ~ prayers of thanksgiving, prayers for guidance and strength through this disaster, prayers for Miss M's understanding, prayers for peace. I've been praying for those things for years, but it actually feels like there is Someone Up There listening now.
Life is falling into place. I have a good lead on a small frame house that is wheelchair ready and in my limited budget. I met an attorney today who specializes in Special Needs law. She will give me a referral to an attorney that handles divorce. He has an appointment on Tuesday with an attorney, to get the ball rolling towards that divorce. I fear it may take months to get to the point of dissolution, but at least we're starting the process.
He came today and spent time with Miss M. She was glad to see him, and fine when he left. She fell asleep in my arms this evening. Tomorrow is likely to be a more difficult day ~ it was last Sunday ~ since she is used to spending most of that day with him, watching sports while I clean the house and do clothing care.
In general, I am happier right now than I've been in years. Strange, isn't it? Even though my anxiety levels are high (no certainty in living arrangements, no child support order, car acting up, nursing troubles for Miss M, all the upcoming changes and how to get them all accomplished in a short time frame) my soul still feels a pervasive calm. I feel like a glass lake ~ I can take it all in with nary a ripple on the surface. My friends make me laugh. Miss M makes me laugh. I haven't cried in 2 weeks now. Where is the pain? I'm used to it as a constant companion, and it's just gone. No complaints, but it is odd.
I was broken, but I'm piecing myself back together. I'm lonely, but I'm open to the possibilities. I'm full of words and Very Big Thoughts. I'm revising my goals. I'm not working the status quo ~ I'm creating a new life. It's really exciting and it makes me extraordinarily happy. I wish I'd done this years ago.
There's so much light outside the closet ~ it scared me at first, to be in the sun. Now I'm opening my arms and my heart to the warm rays of light that are streaming over me. My heart is light and my life is getting better every day.
Thank you, God.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Silence
He went on vacation. Left on Wednesday and came back sometime last night. Didn't call the child while he was gone. No texts. No contact at all.
I am not surprised.
Our child has multiple special needs. Caring for her is a full-time job. I have help (via a Medicaid waiver program) or I couldn't do it. I work outside the home. I work inside the home. I'm always on duty. Period. I have never, even once, gone 24 hours without talking to the person who is caring for our daughter.
He went six days without contact.
Yet he considers himself an involved, loving father.
What is wrong with this picture?
Heck, what is RIGHT with this picture?
Nothing. There is nothing right here. She's crying: upset that her beloved daddy is not coming home or calling her to tell her that he loves her. She's just beginning to understand that he isn't coming back. She's distressed, clingy, and to add insult to injury, she's sick with a nasty cold.
I am exercising superhuman restraint. I want to kill him and dump his body in the river. Instead, I am struggling to find the words that will make him understand that he isn't hurting me by leaving...he's hurting her by avoidance techniques.
I am not surprised.
Our child has multiple special needs. Caring for her is a full-time job. I have help (via a Medicaid waiver program) or I couldn't do it. I work outside the home. I work inside the home. I'm always on duty. Period. I have never, even once, gone 24 hours without talking to the person who is caring for our daughter.
He went six days without contact.
Yet he considers himself an involved, loving father.
What is wrong with this picture?
Heck, what is RIGHT with this picture?
Nothing. There is nothing right here. She's crying: upset that her beloved daddy is not coming home or calling her to tell her that he loves her. She's just beginning to understand that he isn't coming back. She's distressed, clingy, and to add insult to injury, she's sick with a nasty cold.
I am exercising superhuman restraint. I want to kill him and dump his body in the river. Instead, I am struggling to find the words that will make him understand that he isn't hurting me by leaving...he's hurting her by avoidance techniques.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Why now?
I've been married for almost 21 years.
In 2001, my beloved husband had an affair that left me bereft. I thought I might die. While his indiscretion was a woman, at our reconciliation he offered that he is bisexual. He'd "experimented" in college with men. He fantasized about men. He still loved me and wanted to work out our problems and recommit to our marriage.
We worked it out. Therapy helped, but mostly what helped was me holding my breath and walking into the closet with him. And for him. Us, really. I was required to put blinders on and pretend that all was rosy and happy in our world. I did it for years. It didn't hurt that for a large portion of those years, I was literally living in a dark room, suffering from chronic migraine disease caused by an undiagnosed food allergy. I wasn't cognizant of much during that time period. I simply existed. There's really no telling what he did while I was out of it. I shudder to think, actually.
A little over a year ago, things changed in our house. For the first time in years, I was healthy. It became necessary to talk and interact with me on a daily basis. I noticed that he was distant, wasn't talking to me, and spent large chunks of time "at work", even on days when it was pouring rain or sleet or snow (and there was no way he was actually working). After several months, I inquired of him to explain what was going on. He maintained his lies and his distance. I told him that if things didn't change, I wanted a divorce. I was miserable and so was he ~ there was no reason to beat around the bush. He changed again. Consideration flowed from him. He even attempted to make love to me, although most often he couldn't.
A few months ago, he began spending a large amount of his free time on a social networking site. The consideration for me and our child stopped. The late nights chats and telephone conversations started. Not with me, of course...with another woman, then a man. I watched all this unfold on the monthly cell phone bill. He was spending hours every month in deep conversation with other people. I began to feel the long, slow goodbye.
A few weeks ago, I confronted him with proof of his most recent affair. This was with a man in his social circle. After several days of fierce negotiation, he left the house.
I cried for two days. Then I got up, went to work, and began the process of walking out of his closet and into the light. This blog is the story of that journey.
In 2001, my beloved husband had an affair that left me bereft. I thought I might die. While his indiscretion was a woman, at our reconciliation he offered that he is bisexual. He'd "experimented" in college with men. He fantasized about men. He still loved me and wanted to work out our problems and recommit to our marriage.
We worked it out. Therapy helped, but mostly what helped was me holding my breath and walking into the closet with him. And for him. Us, really. I was required to put blinders on and pretend that all was rosy and happy in our world. I did it for years. It didn't hurt that for a large portion of those years, I was literally living in a dark room, suffering from chronic migraine disease caused by an undiagnosed food allergy. I wasn't cognizant of much during that time period. I simply existed. There's really no telling what he did while I was out of it. I shudder to think, actually.
A little over a year ago, things changed in our house. For the first time in years, I was healthy. It became necessary to talk and interact with me on a daily basis. I noticed that he was distant, wasn't talking to me, and spent large chunks of time "at work", even on days when it was pouring rain or sleet or snow (and there was no way he was actually working). After several months, I inquired of him to explain what was going on. He maintained his lies and his distance. I told him that if things didn't change, I wanted a divorce. I was miserable and so was he ~ there was no reason to beat around the bush. He changed again. Consideration flowed from him. He even attempted to make love to me, although most often he couldn't.
A few months ago, he began spending a large amount of his free time on a social networking site. The consideration for me and our child stopped. The late nights chats and telephone conversations started. Not with me, of course...with another woman, then a man. I watched all this unfold on the monthly cell phone bill. He was spending hours every month in deep conversation with other people. I began to feel the long, slow goodbye.
A few weeks ago, I confronted him with proof of his most recent affair. This was with a man in his social circle. After several days of fierce negotiation, he left the house.
I cried for two days. Then I got up, went to work, and began the process of walking out of his closet and into the light. This blog is the story of that journey.
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