Week before last, I found the sweetest little dollhouse of a home for The Divine Miss M. Next Saturday, I'll be moving us into it (always looking for cheap help! LOL) It's so cute ~ small, but with pretty hardwood floors and a front porch & back deck. This weekend has been spent packing. The next 5 days will be spent packing. Please Lord, don't let my back or my hands quit working! Packing: DO NOT WANT!
I started attending a chat for wives of gay men a few weeks ago. B and M host it, and it is amazing to go there. We named ourselves last Sunday: The Straight Wives Club. In many ways, I feel like I'm way ahead of the curve on processing the changes in my life because I spent so long knowing that my GH (gay husband) is (at least) bisexual. I grieved for the loss of my perfect life and the man I thought I married over 9 years ago. We stuck it out for many reasons. If I had it to do over I think I'd choose differently. Living in the dark sucks. Being around someone who doesn't like you much sucks. He doesn't particularly care for me, I don't think, and I don't know why. I'm mostly nice and funny and not really ugly or anything.... Oh wait ~ I know what it is! I refused to stick around for his lies any longer! It blew his cover! Duh! No wonder he doesn't like me much. I finally stood up for myself and said that I'd had enough of being lied to and manipulated by him. Oh well. His loss, right? Right! M and I will be fine together, and if he's around to help out with her, yay...but if he isn't, we'll figure out a way to make that work, too.
I'm really rather concerned about him. He had taken precisely one step - checking out extended stay motels - to secure a place for himself where he can have visitation with M. He loves her desperately ~ you can see it in his eyes ~ but he's eaten up with guilt and shame over what he's done to her. He doesn't miss me, but he misses her. I totally understand. I don't miss him at all. After talking with him for awhile (and yes, dammit, I cried) I convinced him to at least check out some apartment prices. After considering for a bit, he signed up with an apartment locator and seemed a little more excited about life in general, and moving specifically. He even said he wants to move close-ish to us so he can see her more often. Sounds wonderful to me. We'll see what happens in a month.
As usual, he's almost completely withdrawn into work and...well, who knows. I never knew what he was doing when we lived together, what makes me think I'll know now that he's out of my home? I do know that whatever it is, it isn't making him very happy. I told him that all I've ever wanted is for him to be happy ~ I'll love him 'til I die (because that's how I'm built ~ once you're in my heart, you always own that piece of it, no matter what) but we can't live together. I'm starting my new life, and he needs to get on with his. He left a few hours later. I hope he finds some peace. I know I am finding it for myself, and it is a top-5 feeling.
Gotta get back to my tape gun and boxes. Miles to pack before I sleep.
Catch you on the flip side, Diary.
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