Strangely happy

I find myself enjoying our new life.

I don't know why I'm surprised by this, but I am.  The tension in the house is gone.  When he walked out, it went with him.  Honestly, I had no idea it was such a part of my life until it was gone.  Miss M (my daughter) knew.  She didn't sleep when he lived here.  At least once a week, and usually more than that, she would stay up all night long.  I called those times "bed parties", but in reality they were more like marathon nightmares for me.  When she doesn't sleep, neither do I.  I've been walking around for years sleep deprived!  I don't know how to behave now that I get five (!!) uninterrupted hours of sleep every night. 

It's also nice to be able to eat when I want.  Not to have to wonder when/if he's coming home.  Not to have to clean up after him in the bathroom (tiny little facial hairs everywhere) or in the den (there's that coffee mug again).  To know that I am solely responsible for making sure that the child is well cared for and that the bills are paid on time.  To know that I won't have to listen to him berate the dog for being a dog. 

I do get lonely sometimes.  Fortunately, I have good friends and they call me or text me.  They take me to lunch, give me leads on apartments, give me hugs....  I don't know what I would do without them.

I'm also rediscovering my lost faith in God.  Strange, but it seems that my STBX's agnosticism was, in fact, rubbing off on me.  I started really praying again ~ prayers of thanksgiving, prayers for guidance and strength through this disaster, prayers for Miss M's understanding, prayers for peace.  I've been praying for those things for years, but it actually feels like there is Someone Up There listening now.

Life is falling into place.  I have a good lead on a small frame house that is wheelchair ready and in my limited budget.  I met an attorney today who specializes in Special Needs law.  She will give me a referral to an attorney that handles divorce.  He has an appointment on Tuesday with an attorney, to get the ball rolling towards that divorce. I fear it may take months to get to the point of dissolution, but at least we're starting the process. 

He came today and spent time with Miss M.  She was glad to see him, and fine when he left.  She fell asleep in my arms this evening.  Tomorrow is likely to be a more difficult day ~ it was last Sunday ~ since she is used to spending most of that day with him, watching sports while I clean the house and do clothing care.

In general, I am happier right now than I've been in years.  Strange, isn't it?  Even though my anxiety levels are high (no certainty in living arrangements, no child support order, car acting up, nursing troubles for Miss M, all the upcoming changes and how to get them all accomplished in a short time frame) my soul still feels a pervasive calm.  I feel like a glass lake ~ I can take it all in with nary a ripple on the surface.  My friends make me laugh.  Miss M makes me laugh.  I haven't cried in 2 weeks now.  Where is the pain?  I'm used to it as a constant companion, and it's just gone.  No complaints, but it is odd.

I was broken, but I'm piecing myself back together.  I'm lonely, but I'm open to the possibilities.  I'm full of words and Very Big Thoughts.  I'm revising my goals.  I'm not working the status quo ~ I'm creating a new life.  It's really exciting and it makes me extraordinarily happy.  I wish I'd done this years ago. 

There's so much light outside the closet ~ it scared me at first, to be in the sun.  Now I'm opening my arms and my heart to the warm rays of light that are streaming over me.  My heart is light and my life is getting better every day.

Thank you, God.