Why now?

I've been married for almost 21 years.

In 2001, my beloved husband had an affair that left me bereft.  I thought I might die. While his indiscretion was a woman, at our reconciliation he offered that he is bisexual.  He'd "experimented" in college with men.  He fantasized about men.  He still loved me and wanted to work out our problems and recommit to our marriage.

We worked it out.  Therapy helped, but mostly what helped was me holding my breath and walking into the closet with him.  And for him.  Us, really.  I was required to put blinders on and pretend that all was rosy and happy in our world.  I did it for years.  It didn't hurt that for a large portion of those years, I was literally living in a dark room, suffering from chronic migraine disease caused by an undiagnosed food allergy.  I wasn't cognizant of much during that time period.  I simply existed.  There's really no telling what he did while I was out of it.  I shudder to think, actually. 

A little over a year ago, things changed in our house.  For the first time in years, I was healthy.  It became necessary to talk and interact with me on a daily basis.  I noticed that he was distant, wasn't talking to me, and spent large chunks of time "at work", even on days when it was pouring rain or sleet or snow (and there was no way he was actually working).  After several months, I inquired of him to explain what was going on.  He maintained his lies and his distance.  I told him that if things didn't change, I wanted a divorce.  I was miserable and so was he ~ there was no reason to beat around the bush.  He changed again.  Consideration flowed from him.  He even attempted to make love to me, although most often he couldn't.

A few months ago, he began spending a large amount of his free time on a social networking site.  The consideration for me and our child stopped.  The late nights chats and telephone conversations started.  Not with me, of course...with another woman, then a man.  I watched all this unfold on the monthly cell phone bill.  He was spending hours every month in deep conversation with other people.  I began to feel the long, slow goodbye. 

A few weeks ago, I confronted him with proof of his most recent affair.  This was with a man in his social circle. After several days of fierce negotiation, he left the house. 

I cried for two days.  Then I got up, went to work, and began the process of walking out of his closet and into the light.  This blog is the story of that journey.